Something Important

2005-09-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

martinis?
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Natural

2005-07-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

Last thursday night I went and met him...we watched a movie and cuddled, we didn't kiss, we didn't fondle...he held me and it was so perfect. It felt so natural and comfortable. He is so soothing and I felt so loved. I haven't had anyone be that sweet and affectionate in...I can't remember anyone ever feeling that comfortable and just naturally ...I can't think of the words all that comes to my mind is a sigh of relief to think about being in his arms. Okay so I didn't stick to my celabcy thing that I had started...how could I not make love to this loving, beautiful man? I know it was probly a mistake...but it doesn't feel like it, well it didn't until he said he didn't want a girlfriend...shit! I thought that's what he was looking for. I am looking for 'the last one' he fits my mental description in so many ways. Things I know I should not like but I am blinded by all the stuff I do like? He smokes a little too much...I worry that he is too lazy...cause after a while that will bug the shit outta me. The amount of smoke is only a minor detail to me as long as it doesn't become a life interfering preocupation...it may already be. Right now it doesn't matter...he and I don't live together so what he does with his time and money are not my concern. I am starting to notice that guys say they don't want a woman tellin them what to do, but they do want a woman that will inspire them to be more than they are. Strength...
I am just a good time at this point...it's time for me to be more inspiring...especcially to myself.
Now on the sex topic...everyone tells me that if I want him I have to hold out on him and use my cuochini as a card...hmm, I like to think that I am still holding a card...the fact that I am an amazing woman...if you can't see that, oh well...I'm still getting laid and eventually a guy will not be controlled by that stupid holding out on the cuoch game...my husband...who ever he is, is more man than the conquerer instinct, having a good grasp on the cerebral control of his emotions...he is more real than all the games...call it fantasy, call it fiction...but I have faith that he is out there, this real man...with a real heart...and true understanding. Women should realize that if a guy was going to respect you less for sleeping with him so soon...maybe you should feel the same way...any gy that I ever slept with too soon...I had feelings for him and I expected him to stick around to grow into something more...just because he felt he had conquered all there was to conquer about me and decided I was not worth the investigation...is not my fault and it is not my loss. For the right guy I will be perfect for him and he'll be prefect for me...it will be comfortable and natural...the hard work comes later, it can't all be wine and roses, I prefer green tea and tiger lillies anyways.

ENFP

2005-07-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am a champion...haha cool, I took this test thingy last night to determine my temprament...it is comforting to know that my personality temprament kinda gives me an excuse (another) to just be myself, and stop worring about how I'm supposed to try to be. Like how my friends keep tellin me that I'm supposed to be strategic with guys...well it's apparently just not my style to plan out how I'm going to 'get; the guy. I think it's manipulative and somewhat dishonest...and believing that has kept me single for quite some time. Apparently I'm supposed to be resevered and not call a guy when I like him...I've tried this approach and it works...I'm not supposed to give in and indulge myself in physical pleasure if I like him alot, how odd to me this sounds. I you like it, do it. It does leave you in a position to be disrespected, but I have no respect for someone who would disrespect me for being true to myself...I'm not something you conquer or have to work to attain...I am a woman, if you like me...really like me for who I am, you won't mind that I knew I liked you enough to sleep with you quickly. I see no cause for disrespect...I gave you something beautiful, wht is there to disrepect? Okay so...I met this guy, talked to him on the phone for hours before I met him...we get a long marvelously. He is affectionate, attractive, funny, inteligent, stylish...he's wonderful. Accept he says he doesn't want a girlfriend...hmm he doesn't want to hurt me? This sounds like someone saying they are not interested in me enough to want me as thier girlfriend. Because frankly I am no stranger to pain...I can handle it, being with him is worth the emotional pain that may or may not come of it...you never know till you try and you never find happiness if you rest patiently in your comfort zone...to quote a someone (Saint Augustine or Alfred Lord Tennyson..?) 'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' I fully agree...no pain no gain bitches, nuff said

eh...?

2005-07-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

Well I am up all night...was up bored and finally fell asleep, then Zoe woke up, then my brother called me from Dallas in the middle of a drunken fight with his best friend, he asked me to come get him in Dallas...and as the loving sister I am I got up popped some ginseng pills washed it down with coffee, scooped up my daughter and we were off...driving down the road (actually I knew this before I left) I thought...I'd better call him because I bet things have simmered down and I won't have to drive to Dallas on no sleep for a heroic rescue...after alittle under an hour I got to Georgetown and called him from the payphone...sure enough he had worked things out and calmed down, apologized and told me to go home...wheew! I was a little worried about that drive hehe. So now I am pumped up full of synthetic energy with nothing to do...so here I write. I have been thinkin about Josh still...but in a more distant and kind of retrospective point of view. I wonder if what I told him the night we met had any impact on his choice of girlfriend...should I give myself that much credit? If he recieves offline messages...then it was probly something in there that I had told him that I should've kept to myself. I really like him, I think his friends are cool, he is so attractive to me, fun, and from what I've gathered from talking to him online for so long he's pretty sweet, too. I wish I had archived our conversations...oh well. So he goes out of town right and somehow he has a new girl friend...I wonder where she is...California? Houston? Austin? San Marcos? I selfishly hope that it doesn't work out, so maybe he will see how far I've come on my bodywork and know that I will be one badass hot chicka next year...eh you can never rely on what will be, you gotta go with what is. I imagine he still has some interest because he said "we can still be friends" or is that just him being nice? In my heart I waited for him to get back...so I'm kinda glad he told me about the girlfriend...or I'd still be waiting. I was going celebate July 1st anyways...but not if he wanted me still. Damn I had built up so much hope...I don't regret it, it felt good having something to look forward to...something worth waiting for. I did want to cuddle with him...why did I lie? I just assumed he didn't want to...stoopid! Maybe he didn't...the way he presented the question made me think he wouldn't want to...okay enough of that, moving on...I talked to this other guy Jason (he looks like me, which has been some narssissitic fantasy of mine to date myself) on the phone for like 4 hours on Saturday...it was awesome we talked about simple things and giggled, and it's so rare for me to stay on the phone so long, I'm the kinda person who gets on the phone and says "hey when and where?" and arranging a meeting concludes the conversations...I feel like the way I met Josh was bad, only because it did not end up in my favor, did he think I do that kinda shit all the time? I sure did act like it after I met up with him...a the end of the first 3 weeks he was gone I was losing my cool for sure...then I still obsessed and began to move on in a very unhealthy manner. That is why I chose to go celebate...it's like fasting, it cleanses the body, mind and soul...I can't fast from food...I like it too much hehe. I'll probly get back on my search for a church that I like. I love God and I surely have pissed him off the past month...okay so probly more like broke his heart with my behavior...God I love you and I am so sorry for the things I have been doing lately...I prayed to you to let him be it finally...I had too little faith...I guess deep down inside I feel I'm not ready for the right guy yet. I sure do want him to be here badly though. I feel the need to be held and gently caressed with that loving feeling making me glow, the comforting kiss on the forehead letting me know I am cared for...masculine hold not wanting to let me go, that feeling is so ultimate, so comforting...God please help me to let go of these fears, I know I am a good woman...that I have been continuously taken for granted, misused and mistreated...I forgave too much, I let those people treat me that way...for that I regret. I need strength from you to be who you want me to be...because that is the best person I have and ever will be...Fear will kill your mind, fear will kill your soul, and fear will eat up your heart until you don't know how to feel beauty...yes feel beauty because true beauty is felt...maybe you see or hear something that sparks your interest...drives you to persue that glimmer of something familiar, something you know is truth, someone you know is real...I'm all caught up in your glimmer...part of me hopes it will go away...and part of me hopes that forever this desire will stay. I cannot live on false hope...the only real hope is that by following God everything will go how it is meant to...I know it.

how silly, you boy crazy freak!

2005-06-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

well, I have so many crushes...I feel like I'm still really immature or something. There is Cory since the 2nd grade, there is Chad since college...and now I wonder if Josh has joined the ranks of my endurring crushes, I sure do think about him alot. It would be nice if I could make myself stop it...like snap my fingers and just not even remember...but uh my imagination keeps making up new stuff and filling in gaps for me...damn it! hahaa well I was going to write about all this different stuff...but now that I'm all sleepy all can think about is who will I imagine that I am cuddling with this time? neh, I haven't done that in a long time...probly shouldn't start up again, just makes me kinda sad really...I think I shoul duse my imagination to create someone from scratch...I've heard that's not wise either cause then I'll be lookin for that guy..and really I have no idea where to begin on him...a name? hmmm.....haha I automatically start wanting to pick one of the names that I have always had crushes on...but that won't do....eh whatever. I'm goin to sleep...fuck this shit ya'll I need to find something better to do with my brain's free time than think about guys...or at least turn it into something creative or productive...I could write a chick flick..but uh I think I'd mush myself out hahaha...oh ye g'night

Horribly sad today

2005-06-25T01:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so crushed...I have wanted to cry all day..I just can't bring myself to do it. Finally Josh stopped on his Yahoo..right when I was leaving to go to the eye doctor...good thing to. Big News...he just got a new girlfriend...shocked? not really, I am a girlfriend fairy (new discovery!) haha
My my stupid open hearted little girl...why won't you grow up? You fall like a brick...for an idea of who you think he is...you have no clue who he is really. I can't believe I have actually been feeling physical pain from this...that pressure in your chest, whoever you are that reads this you know what I am talking about...maybe you don't...it's just uncomfortable...and only when I think about it...the mind is truly powerful because of odd things like this...I actually feel like my heart is crushing inside me...like it will collapse and stop. Amazingly crazy of me...like I said I don't know him. Open hearted little girl...you give your love to all the world...messed up, used, twisted, and confused you have become...from the undelicate ones...hardened they let thier hearts become...I want to wash away with tears...but the tears will not come...I refused to be to my self the pitiful one...but still it beats..and still aches...my hopes were so high...I thought surely I would fly...but still I walk, head held high...while inside I crumble... you will never see me stumble. I fall all the time...but I go straight down...splat! there's my heart...just kick it off to the side...it'll be okay there...I'm going for a ride.
*consolation prize...he said we could still be friends...silly, that's all we ever really were so far...I just wanted more than I said...I was nervous...you know how you say stuff when you're nervous that later you wish you hadn't. heh I'm sooo good at that. The time we laughed...and laughed and laughed...I was so comfortable in that place with you...oh stop this is gettig saad. On with the show right?

my friend tells me I'm a psycho chick

2005-06-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

well..you all know I have the hots for this guy...the scottish god (SG) as I like to call him, he went out of town May 5th...he's not back, also has not called me. I never expected him to call me while he was out of town, but my friend says if he liked me he would have called or emailed or something. My perspective (the "psycho" way) is that he and I had an agreement to have something casual, (of course I'd like more) so he is not obligated to go out of his way to call me when he's got other shit goin on...I don't even really care that he hasn't called (because he is out of town) I am getting sad that he has been gone so long...and I would certainly feel better about myself if I hadn't had sex with someone else after a month...not for his (SG) sake..for my own. I looked forward to having a shitload of fun with him and I had been talking to him on a daily basis for almost 3 months...can I miss him without being considered psycho? basically I shouldn't care really, but uh...I scare guys off with this kinda crap. So here's a note to every guy who thought my attention was scary...I got over you, if you had been direct with me in the first place I would not have wasted so much attention on you...if you dont' want it just tell me, no big deal....I am sorta bitter and I have slightly tough skin...I'm not like those other psychos..as soon as you tell me you don't want me or don't like me...in a direct manner...I'm out

um...yeah

2005-06-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

so you all remember the Scottish God? who could forget? not me and certainly not you if you are one of my close friends....ya know how terrible are the things people do when they think they've been dissed? I had sex with a married guy....shame on me...for real, this is something I hate on bitches for...now I have become one....well like I was saying...he (scottish god of extreme sexiness) went out of town...he said 3 weeks, I held off all offers to get 'sexed up'.....I was waiting for him, didn't hear from him after the alotted 3 weeks...thought I'd been dissed, now mind you people this guy wants a casual thing, and he did not ask me to wait or anything...but uh...I think I really like him all the sudden....holding out with the idea of gettng it from him really kept me bothered the whole 3 weeks, I was such an insane ball of horniness by the end of the 3 weeks...I unleashed it on the first candidate...unfortunatly a married guy( friend of my friend) who was coming over , not to do me...but to do my friend and we all ended up in the sack...ah foo! I tried, and if I had actually been asked to wait, there is no chance in all the universe that I would have done that...I just thought ..dissed...move on. I still am wondering if for some reason he can't call or whatever, so I went by his friend's house to check up on my glasses (I swear it's the last place I had em) His friend convieniently told me he's out of town still for a few more weeks...so guess what? my elation has returned...I wasn't clearly dissed, so I can keep indulging my unhealthy fantasies of cliff sex, tubin, laughter, and silly kisses....and the memory of how cute he is when asked if he wants naughty things to happen....and the something about his skin..just ugh! I can't describe it to where it doesn't sound yucky...just know that it's not yucky at all.....it's like hard skin...like you couldn't peirce it with a sword....but at the same time it's gel like ...you could almost sink into it and be all cuddly and protected....there is like an essense that drips from his pores....it makes me feel like an obedient dog....humbled by only his scent that I can not recall even smelling.....his attitude: calm strong totally cool, so comfortable...then you look up and catch gaze....melted...serene...beautiful beyond description something so sweet...so .....I am so over done on this....check please! overcooked(oh there is my censor...fuk off twerp) as I was saying....I have spent an eternity in those eyes in one blink....it must be weird to be upon a pedestal, so I'm sorry if this has made him uncomfortable...absence...grabbed me in the chest and snatched up my heart and pulled till my chest broke open and I am at the mercy of emotional bliss....daydreaming in the car....loving life more...seeing things as more beautiful than maybe they are...I love this feeling...but I know it gets ruined...I wish this could be the one time that others have gotten like a big lottery win...I see so much fun with him...and it's funny I haven't been able to imagine all that stupid girly shit that I do usually imagine when I have strong feelings about a guy I barely know....I see fun...the kind that you had when you stole your parents car and got away with it...spent all night under the stars giggling...playin chase in the woods under the moonlight...listened to your friend play the best song you had ever heard and really wished it had been recorded..but it was just for that moment...that special place, that is always with you...you can't sing the song but you feel it in your heart...and I see that spending time with him, is like replaying it...I'm feelin it. I hate having to hide this part of me..it scares people...they don't want to hurt me? They are scared I will freak out on them? Get Angry? I can handle rejection...I'm resillient...I know how after the maybe hundreds of crushes I've had...to move on, just don't leave me with any hope...because I'll _x_hold hope in between my two fingers...and wish and wish...until my fingers have begun to bleed, give me that little seed...I need it to feed._x_ I hope you never read this, and I sincerely hope you do....if you are scared off then good ridance, if you are not...I have been waiting for you since I was like 7 years old...when that first little boy asked me to 'go' with him....and then asked another girl the same day after I said 'yes'...insane that I remember? shut up you've got one of these stories, too! It was my first crush....I never cried about a boy before that way...only if one had hit me in the eye that day...but this time I got hit in the heart...and I felt it...for 3 days straight. Love? have I had it? Oh yes...I am full of love....always....and it hurts, but it pays...the pain for the joy even if imagined for a moment is worth every tear...and every fear....overcome...flooded... I am the one...but for who? is it you? if not could you let me know? I'd like to know if you're not it..so i can pick up the peices and get back to whatever it is I do when I don't have someone to be elated about....I'm sure there's a next one, I just wanted it stop with you. -oh yeah I'm waiting till July....I know he didn't ask, but I think I'll risk missing out...just in case. oooh the 4th of July...it would be nice to do it under fireworks...how cliche' and still so cool.

Do not be ashamed of who you are

2005-05-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

For anyone's sake not even your own? Yes...be yourself in every situation and it can only take you to where you were meant to be. Always working to be a better person for the sake of the joy and prosperity that being better...and constantly improving can bring.

YaY! I go tha beat, I got tha beat, I got tha beat!

2005-05-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to play the drums.....yes I am, yes I am...I have been practicing.....first "keep the beat""keep the beat""keep the beat"......then "on three", 1, 2 "on three", 4, 1, 2, "on three"
hahaha ....I feel as retarded as this sounds...don't worry. there's the RLRR-LRLL-RLRR-LRLL...I;d go on with that but it happenes to be backwards on the key board....anyone want to place a wager on how long before I can actually play with a band?
I give myself 8 months, that's if I have a lesson every week and I can work out some practice sessions on some people's equipment...I guess I can't really play in a band with out my own equipment... can I? hmm...maybe it will be closer to a year :P the sooner the better

ooOoo old crush!

2005-05-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

okay so there is this guy who I was crazy about in college, I'm sure he knew...I hope he knew....i guess he has no idea that I have been wondering about him the whole time.....since the last time I saw him at the Ritz with his friends after a 3d studio group meeting....oh holy cow that guy makes my blood boil, my heart race....all sensibility floods from me when I'm around him, I become a completely ditzy broad. Okay so i haven't seen him in what...? 5 years! It's intersting how it came about that I should be in contact with him..total chance. I was working at ventana, and my brother just didn't show up one day....so not like him, so I got dropped off at Zoe's daycare, but she had been picked up (you have no idea how unusual this situation actually is) so i am taking the bus home and I am at the bus stop and this pimp looking older black man comes walking up..I mean smooth style and everything classy hat, pinstripe suit. He hands me this flyer for a church...Full Gospel Holy Temple, on Gillis ave. This poor flyer is in such bad design, bad reproduction..it's just terrible and I think no man of God with this fly ass suit should be walkin around handing out this crap of a flyer, so I was consumed with a need to make them a flyer, so I made it as a gift, you can see it in my gallery at http://sapgallery.blogspot.com ...anyways they were grateful for the flyer and decided to call me about a T-shirt design with a logo. we make a deal for the design (I'm broke ya'll God feels me on this) So he says he wants to use the current church logo in the design....and he says call this guy Chad for it....I knew in my gut it was him, but when I called it didn't sound like the Chad I remember, oh that low sexy slow talking with the silly looks and pause for effect style of speech...ooohhh he rocks so hard. There was this little noise that he used to make....I loved it, I dont know why I guess it was kind of a signature thing. So I called him....didn't ask about his family or relationship situation....just kept it simple and short and made my number available to him. Oh damn I really hope he is happy...selfishly I hope he is single, or at least not married. mmm...Chad dude....I feel like I have been waiting an eternity to bump into you....please call oh I hope he calls.....any guys out there that I have ever been with or thatI am currently dating...this is that one gy that holds precedence over you all...he could walk into my wedding ceremony after 10 years and steal me away from whoever is there, fo real I dug him that much.

Absence.....

2005-05-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

really does somethin'.....I am sorta confused by this, because I don't know this person really well enough to miss him...I usually don't miss people much....I guess it's because I don't know him well and I definatly want to know him more....my brain is like "well, I thought we were getting used to someone...where is he?" ha ha...well I hope he will be back before June but I kinda have this funny feeling like he won't, maybe that's why I miss him..maybe it's just cause I just need to get laid? Hmm...who knows? Unfortunatly not me haha

Eeyore's Birthday Party

2005-05-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday my friend and I packed up with my daughter strapped to my back and headed out to one of Austin's coolest parties, Eeyore's Birthday Party. I used to go with my Mom when I was a little kid and I remember it being a big crazy weird happening with people all dressed up in the freakiest of costumes. Today it was hot and at first a little boring, bt as you move closer to the drum circle and you start tappin your foot then movin your hips and smelling the 'breeze'.....it gets pretty fun, then you look around and realize it is a beautiful spring day and you are surrounded by fairies and woods......and then it occurs to you that you are some huge mating ritual. Pagan beautys all over the place...not conscouisly in mating mode, but you can feel the looks and the very sublte energy of winter frustration being let off and cast away. If I hadn't already bred and had the results on my back I would have been doin a mating dance and getting severely intoxicated and trying to seduce this one dude into the woods for a .....well you know what I'm talin about! hahaha Regardless....I had a wonderful time, saw a few people I knew from days of old....some very close friends that I probly need to give some attention to, and I saw lots of cool people that give me hope for this world that there are some people who glow from the inside. I am realy looking forward to Eeyore's next year, I wonder where that donkey is...I didn't get to give him a kiss.

Incredible...

2005-05-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

I am seriously intoxicated right no wso I'm completely not responsible for my typing if it is at al ledgible...I had such a great night....went out to Ed's Cucaracha....old school comfort of being in a punk club....chillin at my newfriend's reguar chilin spot, hangin with the band,,,,but really, I had sex with that scottish god, who came though as I knew he would....he still doesn't seem to be into me as I would like...but who cares he let me give him all the affection and lovin that I needed to give with no rudeness, no discomfort...he just let me give it...and I really needed to. I could tell he gave me some effort...oh what a 12'er of Dos Equis can do! hahaha nah he didn't have too much of it actually......I have so much fun with him, really the sex could have been less than great and I would still give it up just for the fun factor. But I felt like I got the effort I wanted.......mmmm I enjoyed myself, and I enjoyed his company, too. I will miss him for the next three weeks.....I hope he wants to see me when he gets back. I like this one...please; can I keep him?

Disenchanted

2005-04-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

Today I made the disaterous mistake of seeing him again too soon....I couldn't wait, I wanted more of those beautiful eyes. I had a funny feeling I should chill. He called for me pretty early in the morning, and I was happy to hear he was already wanting to talk to me (a very good sign that he might actually like me) The night before, doing it outside was exciting...but it was fast, over quite quick, which for that situation was okay....after today being even faster than last night.....I wonder, is he just not trying? What is the deal? Is it again the situation that calls for a quickie? Well not really...he just isn't into me. Plain and simple. mutaully keepin' it casual. The lay isn't worth it...I thought he would be worth the compromise...but he doesn't give a shit, which bitterly leads me to the conclusion that I should just be a hussie, find a good lay........don't waste your chances at fun in the sun because before you know it you'll be old and gray....and in the dirt will be where you play......down in the ground, it will be your last day.......

Public Sex

2005-04-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have acquired the hottest, most beautiful man...who is also a freak like me. Most guys are kinda scared when I tell em how freaky I am...and he thinks it's cool. What's even better is that he said he would be my regular sex buddy.....oh I am the luckiest girl in the world. I just can't ecplain to you all how beautiful I think he is.....oh.....his body....strength all over...you can just feel the power of his physique like he could explode at any minute.......oh damn. So we did it out side...in a slightly wooded area near a very busy shopping center...night time, under the bright lights of the parking lot. The sex was quick, not the best...but you all know as well as I do that if it really rocks the first time, it's only down hill from there. He being a voyeristic freak, and myslef being quite similar....we are gonna have so much fun...I know you're all jealous....it's okay, maybe someday you'll get lucky like me, don't hate! Nuthin but love in my eyes right now for the whole world.....okay so his eyes.....deep beautifully sweet and deep...I have never seen eyes as deep as his.....oh holy crap.....he could be an angel: he is that beautiful.....his skin is soft but tough......he smelled so good.....his voice was so gentle and kind, totally laid back. True Beauty eminates from every pore of this man. And then he said I was sweet. Cherry on top......I wish it was you who I saved for the pop, cause damn you're so hot.....anyone else? I care not.

So Addicted

2005-04-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

okay so I am this big internet junkie lately...I got a myspace profile and I have become a 'collector of friends'. I can spend literally hours browsing through peoples profiles following the chains of friends and being so totally entertained....I have really been enjoying www.myspace.com/sapdesign there are bands and people from your town, you can choose them according to stuff they like that is similar to you and you can sign up to get invited to parties.....it's seemingly the solution to the busy body "I don't have time to make friends" excuse.....accept that at first it takes a little dedication to make your profile really 'you'. Then you go out on a people hunt.....it's great....no real rejection, no akward moments of not knowing what to say......it's all good in the virtual hood. I am really looking forward to the next phase of this myspace project when I start meeting people. For me there is a different feel on myspace than on other communities such as yahoo or whoever....somehow myspace has connected the hell outta everybody. I had been wondering where all the real people had gone....uh! they are locked away in their rooms chillin at myspace.com, who knew? I could possibly have this all outta whack...but hey I'm a computer geek, this is my bag baby! See you online and then hopefully at some shows! owwiiiiaaa!

Where have I been?

2005-04-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

Ah a good question from me...maybe from you...who knew? well, not many that's for sure, cause this place in my psycho head that I've been is not a party spot, it's a place of self tourture......a place where I allow myself to be beat up by meaness, self doubt, regrets, false hopes...it's a horrible place and I hope you never meet me there. It is certainly hard work to get out of....but I am emerging, I can feel the anger coming on, the catalyst for change is coming and the fire is warming up....it grows ever nearer....fear? only a little. Anticipation? Oh yes! I wonder what could be around this corner of life and what great new things will I see and learn? What interesting and intricate personalities will I have the pleasure of swirling intellect with? What types of challenges will this next chapter be filled with? Oh the mystery...passionate to not know, when everything has always been so predictable. Scarry, exciting, new, wonderful.... ah! yes......I love it.......even when it hurts, I am loving it for it's patterns of comfort and it's twisted torn unexplainable troubles, and still amidst all confusion...all inadequacy, there is always my favorite color...if only a glimmer....my colors are there.......waiting for the wind to pick up the edge and shake it around. shhhhhhhhhhaaaAAAA!!!!!! WhoooosHHHH!!!! as quickly as it was made gloom...it was made into a peacful tinkering of bells, and the smell of dark green grass.....warm moist summer....enveloped with the sun's kisses, resonating in every cell of my body a feeling of good warm loving nurishment.

google lab test

2005-04-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

The Canary

2005-04-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

The Canary tells it all...the true dirt on what's happening in the prison system today

Did ya miss it?

2005-04-05T12:45:00.000-07:00

Oh who missed my Daughter's first birthday? She's 1! OMG!!! that's nuts...I haven't lost near as much weight as I should have by now...sorry bout the shallow moment there. Whoo I am rusty, nah just sleepy..well I have been on the personal ads like a freakin crack head.....need to stop that shit. Blind date saturday....4" shorter than me.....ended up wandering around downtown....walked around aimlessly for 3 hours...was actually pretty refreshing. There may still be a laser that comes out of the top of the frost bank tower....they wouldn't let me see. oh yeah I am suposed to look at www.skyscrapers.com for the building layout.....I really desire to know what is up there other than the owner's office. If anyone can get me a tour of the roof of that tower...oh man you'd be the most ultra awesome person ever (at least that day and for a few following days haha)

Respect for Mother Nature

2005-04-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Mother nature has determined that I should desire an intelligent, attractive, courageous hunter.
I'm not arguing with a force that can take out entire countries in one day.
I want a guy to "Nut Up" and talk to me, and don't be a baby if I don't like you..just be like oh well, next!
I want the guy to talk to me because I want to know he really likes me enough to get over all that,
Personally I enjoy a traditional game with the batting eyelashes and the 'chase' I think it is romantic and exciting. I have no desire to be open about my feelings with someone I don't know, and the games are interesting ways to get to know someone slowly. I want to be traditional and have the guy make the first move...I've tried it the other way around, I've gotten what I went for 80% of the time, but I was never really sure of how much they really liked me. So, if you see me out and about, and you like what you see at all....ask me for my number....If I think you are at all attractive I will give it to you, I won't lead you on if I'm not interested.

Re-arrangement

2005-03-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

Life is always being rearranged for me. I have plans, then something happens, things shift around....all along everything turns out well, my plans don't go according to plan, but the intended outcome still is achieved, and the living it is more enjoyable than I would have made it. I think God re-arranges me, only because I let him. Because he's sweet like that, he wouldn' tre-arrange you unless you asked for him to be in control. It's like being on a treasure hunt, clue clue clue....follow the path...oooo! cool surprise!......clue...follow...clue clue....surprise! (not all surprises are cool ones, but hey if you don't go through the hard ones....you'll be a wuss hahaha. Ya know you have to go through the hard stuff with a certain attitude too. If you don't have the look for something to learn attitude, then you won't and it will have just been a shitty experience. I can not remember a time that there was nothing to learn...maybe I didn't see it right away....but it was always there....totally stable, patiently waiting to be discovered.
Sweet.....g'night

Something Important to me

2005-03-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

Don't read this if you want to hear me be silly......

Once upon a time there was this guy.....he was sweet, he was better than every other guy, he tried to tell me that I should not let any guy ever disrespect me....I told him one time that I had never been on a real date and that no one had ever given me flowers before....He took me to the movies and gave me flowers, opened doors for me and said to me that I should expect nothing less than what he had shown me. My life did not go that way and I did let people disrespect me...later on when I was at a low...in the hostpital after trying to kill myself he came to visit me....he told me never to do that again....I was embarrased that he had ever seen me like that, and I never did try ever again and I am grateful that he was there.
This guy is super intelligent (not always so wise), he is handsome.....he is a man of good character.
I have been through so much bad stuff, and been around bad people....but I have always remembered how he treated me. I have never given up hope that there are decent, sweet, thoughtful guys out there and that one of them is for me. This friend of mine says he's not it, and that's okay. At least I know there is someone out there for me that will treat me right....because he does. I couldn't tell him how much I appreciate all the times he has been wonderful to me. Okay here's a start....
Dude...I love you. I don't really care if you don't feel the same for me....I know there is someone who will, but I love you, always have (since like 1985 or so), always will......today I was so disappointed in your behavior....but I have unconditional love for you. As a friend...... It feels good to have love for someone the way I do for you. I wish I could explain it better because if you understood you'd never be uncomfortable about it, it'd just be good to know there is someone outside of family that truly loves you no matter what.
---You gotta be good to get good.
G'night Ya'll......may you have lifelong friends that you feel love for like I feel for mine, there's nothing better.

What I noticed today

2005-03-15T15:38:00.000-08:00

Today I started a job out in a wealthy part of town.....on my drive out there, you know what I noticed? The wealthier the area...the fewer "convieniences" there are. No Taco Bell, no corner store on every corner.....not even a single Mc Donalds.....so I have concluded that poor people are poor because of these corporations, and that if I am going to be a millionairess by 45, then I'd better zip up my purse and clench it like a couple ass cheeks shyin away from a 10 inch needle!
I enjoyed being in the clean contemporary environment they have created for themselves. I look forward to enjoying the mexican villa they are building. It will certainly help motivate me to keep grindin' for that shine! Diamond in tha rough baby! yiiiieeeeee!!!! I'm gonna be such a cool rich lady! muah hahahaha!

Oh I almost forgot to dream...and share

2005-03-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

okay those of you who know me know of the story of my warehouse studio...filled with stuff......a girl is dreaming...and she is planning......If everything goes my way I will have space here in the not so distant future

Donations gratiously accepted via paypal.....or you can email me SAPdesign@gmail.com

My guilty pleasure

2005-03-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Oh my guilty pleasure......writing in here, I shouldn't...yes it is good for me......no you don't have time, ah the agony of restrictions!! hahaha, yeah I'm bein naughty by writing in here...being a single mom I certainly don't have time to write as often as i do or as I want to, I recently fell pray to terrible ear infections in both ears, I am temporarily (we all hope) hearing impaired.....I know now why the deaf are generally in dislike fo the hearing.....peope are totally baggin on me cause i can't hear them, if you have a broken leg people are like "aw, you poor thing" you can't hear and all the sudden you're a joke.....people mouthing fake words, and laughing trying to make you think you've really lost all hearing. It really scarry ya'll I go from one environment where there is alot of noise, then I go out side or something and I can hear nothing....no wind...no cars.....no birds......nothing, and really it freaks me out.....how I have taken for granted my wonderful ears.....the sounds of the wind and the shuffles of feet against the ground.....okay okay I'll get off it. For anyone, (fans perhaps?) wondering how my weekend was....it was okay....my best friend who lives 8 hours away came into town and we went out to Shady Grove with my cousin and her man...so I'm single mom with baby and 2 couples...nice, I'm not really complainin' about that part.....a 1 yr old is no fun for a parent at a place like that.....to young to stay nearby and run around and too old to just sit and be docile, so needless to say I didn't visit much with my friend....she just got reminded why she shouldn't have another baby, not what her hubby wanted to happen. Aside from the constant chasing of baby girl, I enjoyed sitting on the grass drinkin' tea, kinda chillin with the other folks waitin' for a table ever so patient.....totally my style..yup sittin in the grass...luved it! I think that is one of my favorite places to go eat...patio style. Sunday was cool too....took Gramma, baby, and my local best friend's youngest boy to the kite festival.....so fun! long walk, but so cool to see all those kites and to see them with a little kid was like bein a kid again...we bought a little $5 ladybug kite that was crazy fun, he kept hittin people with it (accidentaly of course) and almost tripping people with the string as he ran crazy style all over the place tryin' to fly a kite by running when it was blasting 35 mph anyways...so funny! I had a great time...Zoe did too, runnin around in the grass tryin to pick up trash (it's shiny, it's movin in the wind...it's cool! hahaha) Had to keep her in the pack most of the time, but I let her down for a few frolics......oh how I love my town and the cool things that go on here hundreds of people in the park to fly a kite...simple treasure......I am so in love with the world sometimes, I hope you all are, too. Good Night.....dream about flying a kite!

Good Morning ya'll

2005-03-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

I'm sick like a freak today, not near as bad as yesterday with the fevery sweating and the swollen glands(I slept all day yesterday, yeah all day)....but my hearing is waaaaay off, like I'm in some vibrating tunnel.....and when I walk I hear 'giant steps' effects 'boom' 'boom' 'boom' yikes! this shit is freakin me out...haha anyways....on to the news of the day.
--Zoe and I go to the doctor this afternoon, her to check on her respiratory maladies and possibly get a referral to a specialist.....any other single moms out there having to give neb treatments, high five girl I feel your pain....every 4 hours.
--My doctor visit will be lookin at my ears and getting a rescue inhaler for my asthma, since I've been running I think I may need this when I really start to push myself for speed/time I am currently jog/walking a mile in 15 minutes, which is great compared to my 30 min mile from last week.
-- I am reading a script sample today to see if I want to Audition for this play at **not telling where yet, check back later** Auditions are Tuesday evening. I won't go if my ears aren't better, most medicines/antibiotics work to make you feel better in about 3 days, working completely in 7 to 14 days.
--I plan to go country dancing this weekend....actually, maybe not.... my ears are screwy and loud music will confuse the crap outta me. I wanted to but oh well.
--My brother has gotten way into reading, and now he is always reading, every extra moment. He's so into it that he's going to stay caught up on his homework, so that when he goes to saturday school he won't have to do anything but read for 4 hours. He just read a cool story by Mark Twain and has started reading Moby Dick. He is choosing from the colleges 'suggested reading' list. My brother is the coolest....and thank you Cory, because I think you may have played a little part in his newfound mission to read.
he also wants to know about writing books. One time my brother made up a book from his head for a book report, and totally got away with it, the teacher even said "that sounds like a great book, I'd like to read it sometime" Oh close call! He told me the story idea and I was like, "hey, I wanna read that book, too!" and ya'll know me, I don't care too much about reading stories. Shack me up with a reference book anyday, hahaha.
--the Texas Hold 'Em Tour from March 2nd was cancelled due to "slackerism" and no one being ready for the show, my non-existant dancers included,...... it is supposed to be rescheduled....?.... I haven't heard from the guy since March 2nd.....very unlike him to not be buggin me at least every other week or so.

It's not my style to be hatin'

2005-03-11T05:40:00.000-08:00

this is bad......

Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree
Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

.......oh! and that was really bad!

TING TING JAHE

2005-03-10T21:14:00.000-08:00

Dude..I love ginger....I love ginger candy...oh yeah! www.roxytrading.com mmm good for you and your tummy too.

Oh man...bitch day for sure

2005-03-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

This morning I was supposed to start a new job, I couldn't go cause my daughter got friggin pink eye...and yes now I am gettting it too....aw foo! I went to the gas station this morning after taking baby girl to the doc, pickin up Gramma, and goin to the pharmacy. Okay so this short black guy walks up to me..he looks a little dirty and says he wants to ask me something...now I have been homeless before and I have 'spare changed' before....I'm not usually a bitch to these types, unless they walk up on me fast and get too close.....I would get angry with anyone for approaching me this way, (I have been abused I am a little defensive) In an irrtated tone , I said, "whoa back up off me!" and he proceeded to insult my townsfolk, "You all are sure rude here in Austin" You all know I'm not havin that! I said, " It's not even like that dude..you invaded my space outta the blue, I don't know you and if you enter within arms reach with out a proper introduction you are likely to get punched", so he acts all offended by my defense, the says "I just wanted to tell you somethin", I reply "I don't want to hear it, fuck off, leave me alone" (dont' act offended that I don't want you close to me, sheesh a little respect here people) and proceeds to call me a 'rude fat bitch' In my head I said "so what loser", but outta my mouth came, "I'll kick your fuckin ass bitch, bring it on!" and he says "you fat slut" as he's walkin off he adds "you wouldn't do anything anyways you fat bitch slut"....I said "get your bitch ass over here and I'll show you what I'm about"..."come on mother fucker, you fuckin pussy ass bitch" (you know I can't run as fast as little black sambo<---dude ran the stripes off a tiger!) as he's walkin off he is repeating "fat slut", "bitch" So I tell him "you're just mad cause I didn't give you any fuckin money, bitch" This whole thing is really funny to me.....but my Gramma who is sitting in the car is quite upset, so I quit for her, but I am thinkin it's a good thing she was there cause I really wanted to hit that guy. Now anyone who has known me for a while thinks of me as kind of docile and kinda pushoverish...I was always the peace maker. I think being abused changed me in a weird way......I enjoy tellin people to screw themselves....sometimes. I am so sick of being sweet me, and getting treated like shit.......disrepected cause I'm nice, taken advantage of, abused and thrown out like I don't matter.....it's about time I took up for myself, I've been weak in the past.....I am still sweet, and a little gulible......but don't fuck with me cause I'll give you 'what for' hahahaha bitch!
Life is fun.....

More from CRAIGSLIST GUY

2005-03-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

CRAIGSLIST GUY:
happy that you made it to the show.. just for the record.. a public personna and a private ine are much different.... although people are people.. i just want you to know that i did not mean to scare you, but rather tell you how it might be...as you were uncomfortable with it fromt he get go.. if the situation did arise, i didnt want you to freak out or feel weird, or rain on the parade for that matter.....

glad that he met you and said hi, glad you hold on to your values and dreams.. and i wish you all the love and happiness this world has in store for a good, strong, stable woman like yourself......

(saffron's thoughts)**Who's scared? I'm not scared silly....I'm just not tryin to be a groupie ho. Bla daou!

ME:

*your name here*
Same to you on the love and happiness :)
-Saffron
*virago-   
1.  A woman regarded as noisy, scolding, or
domineering.
2. A large, strong, courageous woman.

ps-you see Pauly<--notice no 'e') tell him Saffron
wants it upside down like the monkeys do it...but only
from him hahaha jk......no really just him.


**you see folks, I'm still a bad girl...but I'm older and I know I should 'hold out'
for the good stuff....if you think I don't want to have an orgy involving Pauly Shore
you're nuts, I'd love it.The only acceptable role going into a Pauly orgy.....
his wife, hahaha yeah I said it bitches....I'll be a slutty tramp for my husband...
all you other sad dudes out there...it's up to Pauly if you want some

(and since this is pure fantasy...I'm celebate unless my childhood friend Cory decides to
give it up) So it's Pauly Shore or Cory Mckinstry...I'm not havin sex with anyone else,
I refuse. I'm chaining myself to the celebacy tree until I get what I want.


Maybe I'll be sane tommorrow. Not likely ha!

Good Morning...Idiot!

2005-03-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm lookin at this last post over here.......dumb ass! I am such the gullible little girl sometimes, if I were little red riding hood I would be eaten alive! Okay I was spelling Pauly correctly before talking to this guy, but as you can see I just figured he knew better so I started spelling it Pauley <---see the extra 'e'? okay so I'm a dumb ass, doesn't matter I still love Pauly Shore! check him out ......www.paulyshore.com ugh!!! what a hottie! I bet he's a closet smarty pants......mmmm smarty pants hahahaha

I LOVE PAULEY SHORE!!!!!

2005-03-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

Oh dude I am so stoked at this moment, and it's the nect day hahaha. Okay so my cousins, Allison and Regan, and I went to go see Pauley Shore at the Capitol City Comedy Club Saturday night. We were totally late....but perfectly late, the show was sold out.....but who goes walking by as were are about to leave dissapointed? The wonderful Pauley Shore himself...so I shout out "Hey Pauley! I love you" and he goes "I love you too"
That rocks so hard! I didn't even need to see the show, I really wanted to but having Pauley Shore tell me he loves me totally made my weekend. I'm silly I know, think me dumb girly if you like....I love me. Pauley does too hahaha nya nya..... nya^nya..... nya. Oh! I had posted on Craigslist that I was broke and wanted to go to Pauley Shore..and some dude responded to me (I think it was a dude) check this shit out:
Here is my posting on Craigslist and the following is the response I got.

PAULY SHORE!!! - w4m - 29 (Austin)

Reply to: anon-62238258@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-07, 12:17AM CST

I love Pauly Shore...have since back in the day. Okay here's the deal I am broke, I want to go see him at Capitol City Comedy Club.....friday or sat 7pm or 10pm.
tickets are $21 each...you need a fun date? I'm a riot...only if you don't embarass easily....and you don't mind chillin' with a pretty fat girl who thinks she's super hot. Someone please take me to this show!!!!

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:

happy too.. still available.. i will introduce you to pauley..know the weeeezzzzzz from my days in la...know his mom and dad also, and do a great impression of his mom....

ME:

uh oh! amazing things do happen! My number 555-1550!!!
yiiiieeee!!!! I swear I won't do that when I meet
Pauley, okay maybe just a little bit...*you can't see
it but this is the most giant grin and if you could
see it, you would have been blinded!*
muy muy gracias luv luv luv!
Saffron Angelique Parker
again--->555-1550

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
SEND OVER A PCTURE AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO CALL RIGHT NOW

ME:
There are some pictures at this link at the bottom of
that page and you can read some stuff I wrote if you
want.... http://saffrongetsreal.blogspot.com
:D
yea!
Saffron

ME AGAIN:
In case you're lazy or impatient.....here's a most
recent pic
-Saff

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
i cant see the nugs....

ME:
I can't see the tickets....
hahaha dude it's a listing in the platonic
section....you know that word, yes?
I have big boobs cause I'm fat, one side is almost
covered with a tattoo, other than that they are 38DD
milky white with quite large light brown/pinkish nips
, okay...now you...describe the tickets...

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
easy
to describe the tickets.. i know pauley's turing agent in los
angeles.... santa monica to be exact...he put my name plus three on the
guest list.. told me to have a good time.. say hi to pauley..and maybe
go out wit him after the late show..... or back to his hotel...on the
river.. i am sure you can guess which one..and we will party

ME: *I sent an old pic of me that you can see me from the waist up (yes I have clothes on in it)*
I reeeeeeaaaallly wanna go to that show dude, I dont
have any pictures of my boobs (yes shocking even to
me) this is the closest thing and it's not real clear
and it's an old pic...they got bigger since then

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
by
teh way.. nothing wrong with being a littel alrge.. or having tats.. i
think they are awesome.. platonic.. i know that word.. dont really like

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
i
was not looking for actual pictures of your expossed tits.. that only
something the weez would ask for...... i was looking for a full length
body shot or something close to what you sent....now for the ass
it.. but know it well

ME:
so we are going tonight or tommorrow?

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
either
or both.. you know pauley would not approve of me going platonic..
especially after the night he and i shared in california at uci on his
tour bus..... if we go out with him.. it could wild...wet and naked...
and believe me..... if it does.. i get a piece just like he does

*I am somewhat appaled by this email I got from him*

ME:
I'm not tryin to screw him
I just want to go to the show...
I know some girls of a more professional nature that
would do all that for a fee...but really I just wanted
to see the show...meeting him would be cool...really
cool, but if he wants to have all that kinda fun I'd
like to step out before that or I could be on the
sidelines cheering ya'll on.

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
cheering
us on.. whats that about... first...we dont have to and never pay.. or
at least i dont.. and second..why cheer us on if you are there.. why
not get naked and play with yourself or soenthing...geez...whats
happened to this world.. a bunch of prudes and religious people

ME:

I guess I'll find another way to go...have fun

CRAIGSLIST DUDE:
if
i see you there i will be sure to say hello....you are quite pretty and
would have been a balst..we could have all enjoyed getting you off

ME:
nice, thanks dude.okay so what if I got 2 of my little
hottie friends to go...wouldn't that earn me the 3rd
spot?

lemme know

***************************************

*this was me in a last ditch attempt to 'be a good girl' and still get to go be
introduced*

haha! doesn't matter I said what I wanted to say, and my fantasy of how perfectly
cool Pauley Shore is, is still wonderfully intact.

I LOVE PAULEY SHORE! ((BIG cheesy grin inserted here))

*Thank you Allison! <--Ally was gonna pay for me to get in, she rocks... anyone one knows her is a fortunate person, the coolness just oozes!

God made me

2005-03-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

God made me beautiful, he made me smart, he made me funny, he made me caring, he made me honest, he made me loving, affectionate, strong....what am I missing? I have to be missing something to always get looked over, no that's not right........the right one won't look you over that way....he will see you for who you are, not an assesment of your mistakes and debts....he will love you because he will understand love and know that you too understand what true love is and can be. He will think you are the coolest and you'll think he is, too. I can't wait to meet him.....we are gonna have so much fun together. I know you're around, and I'll meet you when the time is right..the universe knows best......so patience I will have, I will work on being the best me.

I had this dream

2005-02-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I was going out with this guy and living with him in a house on manchaca....when I was living there I had serveral extremely vivid dreams, ones that feel had something to tell me about my future. One of them I was running up and down these halls you know the freaky ones with all the doors.....me and this guy, I thought at first it was the guy that I was with because he was the same time/type of familiar. So we go trying to find this door, I don't remember if it is found but then I am standing at this counter and there is this really really ugly clownish looking fat guy in a purple suit....he's just kinda scary, and he turns this thing around on the desk that is a mirror as I move into the mirror I look like the elementary school me with the crazy permed hair chubby face all freckly and appaling to me....I am stuck in this mirror hating on myself and scared as hell to see myself that way again and these beetles come flying out from behind the mirror and attach themselves to my neck, I freak out and wake up screaming clawing at my neck...whoo that was scary! So when I go back to sleep I have another dream.....I am sitting on some kind of suspended landing pad kinda like a heliopad but more futury....there are chairs and a few other people sitting around. I have a teenage girl and 2 boys about 3 and 5 yrs old, with me and a pizza for their daddy who we are waiting for.....it's dark and hazy accept for a few yellow and blue lights....then this ship type thing comes down from above and settles and I am so excited, relieved and just gushing inside....I love this dude in this ship more than anything.....he steps off and I can not see his face just a brown bomber jacket over a flight suit and some brown kinda curly sorta messy hair...again I thought may be it's this guy I'm with in waking life...but the feeling I got and the way I felt he looked....way different than the guy I was with. Then the next set of dream; I was laying on the bed sleeping.....this dude comes in the room he's like an angel, but he deffinatly doesn't look like one, he has brought a bag full of gifts for my boyfriend...then for me he grabs my ankles and his hands start to glow and I am overwhelmed with pleasure....then after a bit (he never touches me anywhere but my ankles) he stands up and nods at me and throws me 7 rings.....I drop 2 of them.....one looks incredibly familiar and the rest are just kinda pretty, I really wish I had drawn the one that looked familiar because it was important. And that's it really....Why did I write about this now? I read a story, it reminded me of the landing pad........

not really important at all

2005-02-25T12:42:00.000-08:00

so I think.....my writing is not important....it shouldn't be, not to you. It just makes me feel better I suppose...gets me going creativly speaking, so I can do other stuff, stuff I usually should do but don't cause something in my head says...that's dumb. Shhhhhh! that critic is not hard to wake up....so shhhhhh! Today I argued with my friend, and never got mad....it was so silly. I drank coffee and read about what's goin down at Alamo. Totally slackerish, but for an artist....extemely nessicary down time, and we went to "the Stash" where I am now planning to put some art on display...art I have not made yet. Okay so go get a job silly cause you have to buy supplies. laterz

An inside joke in my town

2005-02-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

I love my city....I do, we are the coolest people and the best city...you never meet people from here when you are here because we go out to coolify the world, but austinites always come back.....I hope. 78704 is definatly a cooler place than most...and seriously the coolest in Austin, dont' tell anyone that cause I'll never be able to afford a place there if you yap about ho cool it is(oh my bad)...so, There is a place that used to be a porn theatre...not tellin you where cause that would make you an "insider" and I am an elitest, and you just had to be here then to be in my club. I don't care if you think it's crappy. The more you know about 'old school' austin.....the hipper you are.
So on to the point......the sign of which I plan to put up a picture on here (so I can display it's coolness for you all, and maybe if you find it you can be cool like me) and change the text so you guys can enjoy the funny shit they put on there now, too. The first one I ever really noticed said "Eschew Obfuscation" <- this becomes hilarious when you understand those words I recommend answers.com Then a little while ago I noticed it said "Debbie Does Taxes" this is funny because of the buildings previous purpose. Now just yesterday it says "When the going gets weird, the weird go pro" This sings worlds of wonderful things to me because I consider myself weird...I also consider my business partner quite weird....I know that weird is good....ahem...MTV......they were weird now they rule the minds of 98% of all highschool and early college aged persons in the united states, after college they all switch to MTV2 wow! brilliant...go pro my friends of oddities......my weird fellows...it is time, the professionals are calling us to the forefronts of strangeness that sells....yes it is our turn to reap the benefits of our uniqueness.

publish timing test

2005-02-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

My theory is that if I change the time on my post to a later time, that it will not show up until that time...so I'm trying it it is currently 11:23am CMT and I am setting the post time to 12:22pm CMT

2005-02-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

TACKY TACKY TACKY mmmm love it!

2005-02-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

oops! what were you thinking?!?!?! oh ...
click on that picture to see a funny, well I thought it was funny...sheesh do ya'll have to be so hard to please?

I've noticed that since......

2005-02-24T01:56:00.000-08:00

I like Dune so much, whenever I see or hear that someone else likes it...that automatically makes them cool in my eyes. Is there a fan club I wonder? A society of Dunies? hahahaha I'm sure there is, I am so joining tommorrow, really. hold on the painting of the day is on it's way

Links n Stuff

2005-02-23T13:36:00.000-08:00

I'm glad my brother is with this ultimately coolest of the cool super chicks chick, girly yo!

this guy: my friend, since like forever

a book you should order cause I get royalties when you do, plus it's good

a game that I still haven't spent enough time to figure out

oh I like this place...watch their reel

Something to Ponder...

2005-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

tell me what comes to mind: Literary Puzzle, or Literary Maze

feel free to post comments...seriously....please.... comments people comments

I went back...oh disgrace!

2005-02-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

Today my friend and I were at the library workin ah hem...tryin to work on our project and the hottest guy sat down....oh shit was he amazingly georgeous....oh damn I felt like exploding. Anyways...my friend said I should hit on him, I said no I shouldn't ;la la la...we left...I went back and walked up to him standing in a row lookin for a book. I was so dumb! I said "Hi...um...what's your name?" "Michael" "how old are you?" "25" he looked at me puzzled, and I said, " My name is Saffron" and I shook his hand...dumb! then proceeded to say, "I was sitting at the table next to you earlier with my friend...and well I thought you were really hot so he challenged me to come hit on you" oh man did I screw that one up! So he says, "Well, you won your challenge" I of course felt stumped and cut off in a way...so I took it as my que to leave. I was feeling totally unlike myself....silly, stupid, and extremely uncomfortable. So the real outcome of the situation was that when I walked up to him wearing heels...he was entirely way too short (I would never, ever be able to wear heels around him, because just face it the guy has to be taller than me and prefereably taller than me in my heels) Aside from the yucky dipping habit I noticed way before ever talking to him...he had some kind of country drawl in his speech..which isn't always bad but make it an equation dipping + too short + slow accent= not if you were Adonis himself. Oh don't forget the fact that he seemed bothered by my intrusion...and quick to end the conversation...uninterested gets uninterested. Anyways I've got work and workin out to do.
Ciao bebes <-this is funny cause I think no one actually reads these bloggs of mine

2005-02-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

messy mess fun fun

In a day

2005-02-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

In a day, I am running around...driving people around, getting things done, forgetting to clean the house, trying to be as artistic 'as my day allows' , hoping I remember to dance or get some form of excercise...anyways...a set of goals remains to be achieved...be my dream of myself.

The me I want to be...That girl that you see and she's totally into her world, picking out some weird fruit at the market, skin glowing, movement graceful and intentional, hair long and flowing like a river of freshly forged bronze... She spends time in the park with her daughter and thier dog playing ball and swimming in the springs. She runs a business, has a cute little condo overlooking her favorite park. Decorated with mexicarte, skin rugs, lots of sunlight, and the smell of fresh parsley, grapefruit and toasty grain bread. She is often covered in paint, and it's really cute cause she was so into her last piece that she has paint on her cheek and in her hair, and she's curled up in that perfect leather chair reading and eating a plum, with sun shining in her eyes as she looks up at you she glows and she is as happy as a child on her birthday because you are here to see her latest work

Did I ever mention how much I love HTML tags? HA_YA!

Anyways...things to remember for self:

go back to school
Love yourself
Smoking is such a nasty thing I can't believe you ever did that stupid shit for so long. Don't even think about picking that up again! Not even a consideration.
Love your self =The total, essential, or particular being of a person; the individual
You have about 2 years to lose 100 lbs...that's 4.5 lbs a month so you should be ahead of schedule.
a
so go to bed now so you can acomplish more than yesterday. so much to do, can do can do

ooh whee baby

Something started...?

2005-02-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

Not really...I don't care to write something important or special....I will just write about what ever I want just like I will fantasize about what ever I want. No one really knows, and no one ever will. Just like I will never truly know what I look like to other people. So I haven't cared too much about how I look to other people in quite some time...no that's not true, occasionally I feel insecure, because I think people are thinking negativly towards me when really it's just me being negative. Cause
you smile and the world smiles back That's just how it is. I thought it was the coolest thing earlier tonight....I was at HEB (local grocery) and I saw a buddhist monk, then I saw another, and another...there were about 5 or 6 total, all dressed in the robes and everything. I felt enlightened just to have gazed upon thier humbleness and inner joy. Ahhh.....what a beautiful place I live in. I went for a walk on the trails at town lake today too, with my Gramma and my baby girl in a pack on my back...strollin down the trail on a really georgeous day, we stopped and watched the ducks, and looked over the bridge and watched people in boats, touched the metal of the bridge (Zoe really liked the bridge) It must be so great to be intrigued by something as simple as the metal that the bridge is made of.....haha I do know that feeling still, how lucky I am to be so easily amused. The world is wonderful.....beautiful....full of opportunity for bliss, and joy. Today I smiled. :D

Me me me...oh me oh my......a mini album of pictures of me

2005-02-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

Zoe's Aunt Dori and me chillin' at Alice's casa, in early 2004 just before having Zoe

me with my best buddy Ann in 2003...meesa chubbe bebe

me back in 2004

More pics of me at yahoo photos

Start Something....

2005-02-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today, I bitched I whined then I decided to change. Let's see how it goes.