eh...?

Well I am up all night...was up bored and finally fell asleep, then Zoe woke up, then my brother called me from Dallas in the middle of a drunken fight with his best friend, he asked me to come get him in Dallas...and as the loving sister I am I got up popped some ginseng pills washed it down with coffee, scooped up my daughter and we were off...driving down the road (actually I knew this before I left) I thought...I'd better call him because I bet things have simmered down and I won't have to drive to Dallas on no sleep for a heroic rescue...after alittle under an hour I got to Georgetown and called him from the payphone...sure enough he had worked things out and calmed down, apologized and told me to go home...wheew! I was a little worried about that drive hehe. So now I am pumped up full of synthetic energy with nothing to do...so here I write. I have been thinkin about Josh still...but in a more distant and kind of retrospective point of view. I wonder if what I told him the night we met had any impact on his choice of girlfriend...should I give myself that much credit? If he recieves offline messages...then it was probly something in there that I had told him that I should've kept to myself. I really like him, I think his friends are cool, he is so attractive to me, fun, and from what I've gathered from talking to him online for so long he's pretty sweet, too. I wish I had archived our conversations...oh well. So he goes out of town right and somehow he has a new girl friend...I wonder where she is...California? Houston? Austin? San Marcos? I selfishly hope that it doesn't work out, so maybe he will see how far I've come on my bodywork and know that I will be one badass hot chicka next year...eh you can never rely on what will be, you gotta go with what is. I imagine he still has some interest because he said "we can still be friends" or is that just him being nice? In my heart I waited for him to get back...so I'm kinda glad he told me about the girlfriend...or I'd still be waiting. I was going celebate July 1st anyways...but not if he wanted me still. Damn I had built up so much hope...I don't regret it, it felt good having something to look forward to...something worth waiting for. I did want to cuddle with him...why did I lie? I just assumed he didn't want to...stoopid! Maybe he didn't...the way he presented the question made me think he wouldn't want to...okay enough of that, moving on...I talked to this other guy Jason (he looks like me, which has been some narssissitic fantasy of mine to date myself) on the phone for like 4 hours on Saturday...it was awesome we talked about simple things and giggled, and it's so rare for me to stay on the phone so long, I'm the kinda person who gets on the phone and says "hey when and where?" and arranging a meeting concludes the conversations...I feel like the way I met Josh was bad, only because it did not end up in my favor, did he think I do that kinda shit all the time? I sure did act like it after I met up with him...a the end of the first 3 weeks he was gone I was losing my cool for sure...then I still obsessed and began to move on in a very unhealthy manner. That is why I chose to go celebate...it's like fasting, it cleanses the body, mind and soul...I can't fast from food...I like it too much hehe. I'll probly get back on my search for a church that I like. I love God and I surely have pissed him off the past month...okay so probly more like broke his heart with my behavior...God I love you and I am so sorry for the things I have been doing lately...I prayed to you to let him be it finally...I had too little faith...I guess deep down inside I feel I'm not ready for the right guy yet. I sure do want him to be here badly though. I feel the need to be held and gently caressed with that loving feeling making me glow, the comforting kiss on the forehead letting me know I am cared for...masculine hold not wanting to let me go, that feeling is so ultimate, so comforting...God please help me to let go of these fears, I know I am a good woman...that I have been continuously taken for granted, misused and mistreated...I forgave too much, I let those people treat me that way...for that I regret. I need strength from you to be who you want me to be...because that is the best person I have and ever will be...Fear will kill your mind, fear will kill your soul, and fear will eat up your heart until you don't know how to feel beauty...yes feel beauty because true beauty is felt...maybe you see or hear something that sparks your interest...drives you to persue that glimmer of something familiar, something you know is truth, someone you know is real...I'm all caught up in your glimmer...part of me hopes it will go away...and part of me hopes that forever this desire will stay. I cannot live on false hope...the only real hope is that by following God everything will go how it is meant to...I know it.