martinis?
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Natural

Last thursday night I went and met him...we watched a movie and cuddled, we didn't kiss, we didn't fondle...he held me and it was so perfect. It felt so natural and comfortable. He is so soothing and I felt so loved. I haven't had anyone be that sweet and affectionate in...I can't remember anyone ever feeling that comfortable and just naturally ...I can't think of the words all that comes to my mind is a sigh of relief to think about being in his arms. Okay so I didn't stick to my celabcy thing that I had started...how could I not make love to this loving, beautiful man? I know it was probly a mistake...but it doesn't feel like it, well it didn't until he said he didn't want a girlfriend...shit! I thought that's what he was looking for. I am looking for 'the last one' he fits my mental description in so many ways. Things I know I should not like but I am blinded by all the stuff I do like? He smokes a little too much...I worry that he is too lazy...cause after a while that will bug the shit outta me. The amount of smoke is only a minor detail to me as long as it doesn't become a life interfering preocupation...it may already be. Right now it doesn't matter...he and I don't live together so what he does with his time and money are not my concern. I am starting to notice that guys say they don't want a woman tellin them what to do, but they do want a woman that will inspire them to be more than they are. Strength...
I am just a good time at this point...it's time for me to be more inspiring...especcially to myself.
Now on the sex topic...everyone tells me that if I want him I have to hold out on him and use my cuochini as a card...hmm, I like to think that I am still holding a card...the fact that I am an amazing woman...if you can't see that, oh well...I'm still getting laid and eventually a guy will not be controlled by that stupid holding out on the cuoch game...my husband...who ever he is, is more man than the conquerer instinct, having a good grasp on the cerebral control of his emotions...he is more real than all the games...call it fantasy, call it fiction...but I have faith that he is out there, this real man...with a real heart...and true understanding. Women should realize that if a guy was going to respect you less for sleeping with him so soon...maybe you should feel the same way...any gy that I ever slept with too soon...I had feelings for him and I expected him to stick around to grow into something more...just because he felt he had conquered all there was to conquer about me and decided I was not worth the investigation...is not my fault and it is not my loss. For the right guy I will be perfect for him and he'll be prefect for me...it will be comfortable and natural...the hard work comes later, it can't all be wine and roses, I prefer green tea and tiger lillies anyways.

ENFP

I am a champion...haha cool, I took this test thingy last night to determine my temprament...it is comforting to know that my personality temprament kinda gives me an excuse (another) to just be myself, and stop worring about how I'm supposed to try to be. Like how my friends keep tellin me that I'm supposed to be strategic with guys...well it's apparently just not my style to plan out how I'm going to 'get; the guy. I think it's manipulative and somewhat dishonest...and believing that has kept me single for quite some time. Apparently I'm supposed to be resevered and not call a guy when I like him...I've tried this approach and it works...I'm not supposed to give in and indulge myself in physical pleasure if I like him alot, how odd to me this sounds. I you like it, do it. It does leave you in a position to be disrespected, but I have no respect for someone who would disrespect me for being true to myself...I'm not something you conquer or have to work to attain...I am a woman, if you like me...really like me for who I am, you won't mind that I knew I liked you enough to sleep with you quickly. I see no cause for disrespect...I gave you something beautiful, wht is there to disrepect? Okay so...I met this guy, talked to him on the phone for hours before I met him...we get a long marvelously. He is affectionate, attractive, funny, inteligent, stylish...he's wonderful. Accept he says he doesn't want a girlfriend...hmm he doesn't want to hurt me? This sounds like someone saying they are not interested in me enough to want me as thier girlfriend. Because frankly I am no stranger to pain...I can handle it, being with him is worth the emotional pain that may or may not come of it...you never know till you try and you never find happiness if you rest patiently in your comfort zone...to quote a someone (Saint Augustine or Alfred Lord Tennyson..?) 'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' I fully agree...no pain no gain bitches, nuff said

eh...?

Well I am up all night...was up bored and finally fell asleep, then Zoe woke up, then my brother called me from Dallas in the middle of a drunken fight with his best friend, he asked me to come get him in Dallas...and as the loving sister I am I got up popped some ginseng pills washed it down with coffee, scooped up my daughter and we were off...driving down the road (actually I knew this before I left) I thought...I'd better call him because I bet things have simmered down and I won't have to drive to Dallas on no sleep for a heroic rescue...after alittle under an hour I got to Georgetown and called him from the payphone...sure enough he had worked things out and calmed down, apologized and told me to go home...wheew! I was a little worried about that drive hehe. So now I am pumped up full of synthetic energy with nothing to do...so here I write. I have been thinkin about Josh still...but in a more distant and kind of retrospective point of view. I wonder if what I told him the night we met had any impact on his choice of girlfriend...should I give myself that much credit? If he recieves offline messages...then it was probly something in there that I had told him that I should've kept to myself. I really like him, I think his friends are cool, he is so attractive to me, fun, and from what I've gathered from talking to him online for so long he's pretty sweet, too. I wish I had archived our conversations...oh well. So he goes out of town right and somehow he has a new girl friend...I wonder where she is...California? Houston? Austin? San Marcos? I selfishly hope that it doesn't work out, so maybe he will see how far I've come on my bodywork and know that I will be one badass hot chicka next year...eh you can never rely on what will be, you gotta go with what is. I imagine he still has some interest because he said "we can still be friends" or is that just him being nice? In my heart I waited for him to get back...so I'm kinda glad he told me about the girlfriend...or I'd still be waiting. I was going celebate July 1st anyways...but not if he wanted me still. Damn I had built up so much hope...I don't regret it, it felt good having something to look forward to...something worth waiting for. I did want to cuddle with him...why did I lie? I just assumed he didn't want to...stoopid! Maybe he didn't...the way he presented the question made me think he wouldn't want to...okay enough of that, moving on...I talked to this other guy Jason (he looks like me, which has been some narssissitic fantasy of mine to date myself) on the phone for like 4 hours on Saturday...it was awesome we talked about simple things and giggled, and it's so rare for me to stay on the phone so long, I'm the kinda person who gets on the phone and says "hey when and where?" and arranging a meeting concludes the conversations...I feel like the way I met Josh was bad, only because it did not end up in my favor, did he think I do that kinda shit all the time? I sure did act like it after I met up with him...a the end of the first 3 weeks he was gone I was losing my cool for sure...then I still obsessed and began to move on in a very unhealthy manner. That is why I chose to go celebate...it's like fasting, it cleanses the body, mind and soul...I can't fast from food...I like it too much hehe. I'll probly get back on my search for a church that I like. I love God and I surely have pissed him off the past month...okay so probly more like broke his heart with my behavior...God I love you and I am so sorry for the things I have been doing lately...I prayed to you to let him be it finally...I had too little faith...I guess deep down inside I feel I'm not ready for the right guy yet. I sure do want him to be here badly though. I feel the need to be held and gently caressed with that loving feeling making me glow, the comforting kiss on the forehead letting me know I am cared for...masculine hold not wanting to let me go, that feeling is so ultimate, so comforting...God please help me to let go of these fears, I know I am a good woman...that I have been continuously taken for granted, misused and mistreated...I forgave too much, I let those people treat me that way...for that I regret. I need strength from you to be who you want me to be...because that is the best person I have and ever will be...Fear will kill your mind, fear will kill your soul, and fear will eat up your heart until you don't know how to feel beauty...yes feel beauty because true beauty is felt...maybe you see or hear something that sparks your interest...drives you to persue that glimmer of something familiar, something you know is truth, someone you know is real...I'm all caught up in your glimmer...part of me hopes it will go away...and part of me hopes that forever this desire will stay. I cannot live on false hope...the only real hope is that by following God everything will go how it is meant to...I know it.

how silly, you boy crazy freak!

well, I have so many crushes...I feel like I'm still really immature or something. There is Cory since the 2nd grade, there is Chad since college...and now I wonder if Josh has joined the ranks of my endurring crushes, I sure do think about him alot. It would be nice if I could make myself stop it...like snap my fingers and just not even remember...but uh my imagination keeps making up new stuff and filling in gaps for me...damn it! hahaa well I was going to write about all this different stuff...but now that I'm all sleepy all can think about is who will I imagine that I am cuddling with this time? neh, I haven't done that in a long time...probly shouldn't start up again, just makes me kinda sad really...I think I shoul duse my imagination to create someone from scratch...I've heard that's not wise either cause then I'll be lookin for that guy..and really I have no idea where to begin on him...a name? hmmm.....haha I automatically start wanting to pick one of the names that I have always had crushes on...but that won't do....eh whatever. I'm goin to sleep...fuck this shit ya'll I need to find something better to do with my brain's free time than think about guys...or at least turn it into something creative or productive...I could write a chick flick..but uh I think I'd mush myself out hahaha...oh ye g'night

Horribly sad today

I'm so crushed...I have wanted to cry all day..I just can't bring myself to do it. Finally Josh stopped on his Yahoo..right when I was leaving to go to the eye doctor...good thing to. Big News...he just got a new girlfriend...shocked? not really, I am a girlfriend fairy (new discovery!) haha
My my stupid open hearted little girl...why won't you grow up? You fall like a brick...for an idea of who you think he is...you have no clue who he is really. I can't believe I have actually been feeling physical pain from this...that pressure in your chest, whoever you are that reads this you know what I am talking about...maybe you don't...it's just uncomfortable...and only when I think about it...the mind is truly powerful because of odd things like this...I actually feel like my heart is crushing inside me...like it will collapse and stop. Amazingly crazy of me...like I said I don't know him. Open hearted little girl...you give your love to all the world...messed up, used, twisted, and confused you have become...from the undelicate ones...hardened they let thier hearts become...I want to wash away with tears...but the tears will not come...I refused to be to my self the pitiful one...but still it beats..and still aches...my hopes were so high...I thought surely I would fly...but still I walk, head held high...while inside I crumble... you will never see me stumble. I fall all the time...but I go straight down...splat! there's my heart...just kick it off to the side...it'll be okay there...I'm going for a ride.
*consolation prize...he said we could still be friends...silly, that's all we ever really were so far...I just wanted more than I said...I was nervous...you know how you say stuff when you're nervous that later you wish you hadn't. heh I'm sooo good at that. The time we laughed...and laughed and laughed...I was so comfortable in that place with you...oh stop this is gettig saad. On with the show right?

my friend tells me I'm a psycho chick

well..you all know I have the hots for this guy...the scottish god (SG) as I like to call him, he went out of town May 5th...he's not back, also has not called me. I never expected him to call me while he was out of town, but my friend says if he liked me he would have called or emailed or something. My perspective (the "psycho" way) is that he and I had an agreement to have something casual, (of course I'd like more) so he is not obligated to go out of his way to call me when he's got other shit goin on...I don't even really care that he hasn't called (because he is out of town) I am getting sad that he has been gone so long...and I would certainly feel better about myself if I hadn't had sex with someone else after a month...not for his (SG) sake..for my own. I looked forward to having a shitload of fun with him and I had been talking to him on a daily basis for almost 3 months...can I miss him without being considered psycho? basically I shouldn't care really, but uh...I scare guys off with this kinda crap. So here's a note to every guy who thought my attention was scary...I got over you, if you had been direct with me in the first place I would not have wasted so much attention on you...if you dont' want it just tell me, no big deal....I am sorta bitter and I have slightly tough skin...I'm not like those other psychos..as soon as you tell me you don't want me or don't like me...in a direct manner...I'm out